heendaught!

Ang Bangko ng aking Ina

2011-05-10T21:28:00.000-07:00

Natapos ko na rin ang dapat tapusin sa bank of America. Nagpunta ako kanina sa Vermont Branch na kung saan madalas magpunta ang Mama kapag may dapat siyang asikasuhin sa bank of America.

Nagpunta ako hindi para samahan siya para mag-ATM.
Nagpunta akong mag-isa this time. Kaninang hapon. Wala kasi akong pasok. Matagal ko nang gustong asikasuhin ito para matapos na. Nagpunta ako para tapusin at isara na ang account ng Mama sa B of A.

Nilapitan ko ang isang staff/banker doon, si Tony, at inasikaso niya naman agad. Sinabi ko na isasara ko na ang account ng nanay ko dahil namantay na siya noong nakaraang Marso. "I'm sorry to hear that" 'ika niya.

Hiningi niya ang ilan sa mga dokumento para ayusin ito. Death certificate. CA ID ko. Ibinigay ko rin sa kanya ang print out ng Estate form na natatakan ng Notary Public.

Sandali pa'y sinabi niya na kung magkano ang makukuha ko sa account ng nanay ko. Hindi kalakihan.

Habang nangyayari ito, may nararamdaman akong bigat sa loob. Masakit na kirot na parang ayaw bumitaw ng kirot sa dibdib ko. Napakasakit. napakabigat sa loob.

As in literal na mabigat. Para bang may nakapatong na bato sa dalawa mong balikat. Parang may nakadagan sa loob ng baga mo. Mabigat. Mabigat kasi ginagawa ko ito hindi para sa akin kundi para sa nanay ko. Sa kanyang pera ito. Hindi ito kalakihan pero pera niya ito. At kanya ito. Ito na lamang ang nagpapatunay na ito ang mga iilang mga bagay na huli niyang naiwan. Hikahos din ang mama ko. Salat din siya sa salapi. Kaya napaka-laking halaga nito para kanya para mawala ang mga ito. Para maiwan niya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko: hindi ko ito gagalawin. hindi ko ito wawaldasin.

Masakit, lalo na sa mga oras na ito, na isinusulat ko. Aaminin ko,.. nangungulila ako.

Kung pwede lang umiyak maya't maya. Dahil nahihirapan na ako. Naaalala ko siya palagi. Lagi siyang laman ng isip ko lalo na sa mga pagkakataong napapag-isa ako. Nami-miss ko ang boses niya. Nami-miss ko ang kakulitan niya. nami-miss ko ang kalinga niya na nakagisnan ko hanggang sa hui niyang hininga.

Ako ang panganay niya.
Na naniniwala akong sa akin niya unang lubos na naramdaman ang tunay na ligaya ng pagiging ina. Naramdaman ko ang mga 'yon dahil nadarama ko ang mga ito noon pa. Iba siyang magpakita ng pagmamahal. Hindi niya ito sinasabi ng madalas. Ipinapakita niya na lamang. Na kung minsan, sa sobrang pagmamahal niya sa 'kin, may tendency siyang maging maramot sa iba. Pinipili niya ang mga taong makakasalamuha ko. Magmula nang ako'y maliit pa, sinasabihan niya ako kung sino ang dapat kong kaibiganin. Inilalayo niya ako sa pahamak.

Hanggang sa mag-asawa na ako. Ito na siguro ang pinaka-malaking pabigat ko sa nanay ko. Dahil hindi niya kasundo ang asawa ko.

Pero ang bigat.
Nangungulila na ako sa boses niya. nangungulila na ako sa kalinga niya.

Nangungulila ako sa kanya.

Mahal kong ina,... nasa'n ka na?
Kung ako'y karapat-dapat nang sumunod sa 'yo kung sa'n ka man naroroon, gumawa ka ng paraan at isama mo na ko. Nabibigatan at napapagod na rin ako sa mundong ito.

where's the shellfish?

2010-03-31T14:15:00.001-07:00

where's the shellfish?, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

It must have been cold in Lake Tahoe right now. But I miss the place. I went there the last time with my summer, after thirteen years since I left Reno.

The bird pictured above was in Lake Tahoe shore.

Nakaka-miss ang lugar na yon.

My old Nikon F

2010-03-30T22:02:00.001-07:00

Nikon F semi profile., originally uploaded by bobotsky.

I love old stuff. More so the great old ones. the ones that makes the grade. The pioneers. The old trailblazers. And Nikon F is one of them. Nikon F started the SLR world. IT is the grand-daddy of 'em.

Now as the world is saturated with DSLRs, everything digital and all, I somehow still felt the warmth of every winding of the film and the sound of the clicks in every shot of the old SLRs. Like any vintage cars in their prime, and any human for that matter, my Nikon's got some tiny dents and scratch all over. But that's the beauty of the old stuff. I see them as a scar of experiences through the years of living capturing the moments of life.

And my 'ol Nikon gives that to me. He's gonna be my buddy for the long haul.

The END Part of Life

2010-03-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

It was a good windy day yesterday (a Monday) as I was on my way to work via 10W to Santa Monica. The traffic, like always, a horrible. Nevertheless, I made it to work on time and luckily found a prized spot to park my car right near the entrance of the hospital. And so I started the shift with Gustavo, 30 minutes behind the schedule.

It's the same old grind. You introduce yourself and your partner to the patient in bed, telling them them the reason you are there and so on. Mostly, you'll always find a "dear-on-the-headlight" type of face in most of them. No matter how sick they are, they'd still get surprised, wondered and scared sometimes seeing two men in scrubs on both sides of their bed. Real scary sights for patients,.. more so to geriatrics. More than half of them are just passive. They just let you do your job and just sleep on it.

I've been doing this job for several months now. And I learned so many valuable things about life, maybe on the end-of-life for that matter. An in-your-face reality that you can never run away from. One way or another, it will happen to all of us: the old age and death.

One lady in her early senior years had been confine for weeks now. Her name is Beatrice M. When I saw her name in my list of patients to check the first time, I thought she was a hispanic. She's from my home country. Not so often have I seen patients from my country. It seems natural to see them as my own. Like a family.

She's been sickly. The first time I saw her some weeks ago, she was alert and got some strength to tell us what she wanted, how she wanted, and so on. Yet the other day when I saw her again, life somehow is wanting to go away from her. She's just passive and in pain even in the slightest movement of her body. Yet she comprehend every thing that's going on around her.

Last night, as me and Gustavo were doing our first round, there was no good spirit in room 817. When we saw Beatrice M. laboring to breath, I asked her how she was.

"Shortness of breath,... help me", weakly yet very articulately said to us. Immediately, I stepped out of the room and looked for a nurse. "SOB on 17!" I said.

A couple of staff jumped from their seat and went. I felt so horrible on that moment because I know, and I have an inkling of what's gonna happen next.

That's the last time I saw her with life.

And my thoughts were everything about that aspect of life, the whole night of the shift,.. and the day followed. As I was driving my way home the morning after, my mind were tired yet the thought of that part of life,... the end part of life is still haunting on me. Life can be cruel sometimes. And then I remember that little "thought of the day" thing poster posted inside the Metro bus. It said:

"birthing is hard.

dying is mean.

give yourself a little

loving in between."

That's right. Gotta have 'em.

That loving in between.

Sa MGa in-love dyan!

2009-11-26T16:59:00.001-08:00

Sa MGa in-love dyan!, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

I was on a freeway near UC Berkeley with a friend driving towards the Bay Area when this song popped from "the wave" smooth jazz station.

The song stuck in my mind and for years I was clueless as to who sang it and what title or album was it on. Until 6 years after when I was listening in a jazz station in Reno, NV. Luckily, the jock mentioned about the details of the song! Internet was still in its infancy then Google wasn't even a word then.

Then I moved to Los Angeles. After some years of ukay ukay with all the garage sales around the hood, the CD album came to fore.

Taaadaaa!

In honor of the song, I made a crude simple video for the song.

I hope you like it.

barkada; late eighties

2009-11-18T15:44:00.001-08:00

barkada; late eighties, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

di ko matandaan kung kailan kinunan ang picture na to. Malamang, late Eighties 'to. or 1990. Sira ulo talaga tong si Jim. Taena, group picture e, may itinatagong bote ng beer ang damuhong.
Pero bilib ako sa pagka-seryoso nitong si Mon, di maantig sa pagkakatitig sa camera.
mabuhay ka, Mon!

Prep. 2, c. 1972

2009-11-18T14:04:00.001-08:00

Prep. 2, c. 1972, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

I always get goose bumps every time I see this picture. I'm not sure if I'm going to crack a good laugh or cry for how times freaking flies! I miss those days. Looking this picture makes me want to remember how I felt at that time. How life was with my parents, classmates and everything around me.

Behind us is our school church which is still around - Espiritu Santo Church. the building is very much the same, though they made some alterations/additions which to me defaces the structure.

kakakilabot.

1st Year HS, c.1980

2009-11-18T13:36:00.001-08:00

1st Year HS, c.1980, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

Nakatihan ko lang i-post ang class picture namin nung first year ako.

Neverland: My Respect

2009-07-04T14:31:00.001-07:00

my respect, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

News all over different mediums are centered to Michael Jackson's memorial venue. Whether it'd be held at Encino, Forest Lawn, Staples Center or Neverland. And so many people thought it would be just makes more sense to have it on Neverland.

Many arrived and pitched their tents on the either side of the whole stretch of Figueroa road, and stayed over at the early part of the week assuming they'd be the ones to be there first. Later, the news broke many hearts with disappointment.

D and I drove 130 miles north of 101 from Los Angeles all the way to San Olivos one thursday morning to see the Neverand. We don't intend to stay there overnight. We brought just the basic stuffs. Twelve pieces of siomai. fried rice. large Robek's. two bottled water.

As we turned right to Figueroa coming from Hwy 154 West, both sides of the road were streaming with cordon tapes in between by little post that says: No Parking Between Signs. Santa Barbara County". It was a pretty long stretch. A stretch where all the campers used to stay. They're all gone.

You'll know you're on the right track when you're seeing a stream of cars and SUVs are passing on the other side of the road. It is obviously unusual to see hordes of such in a rancher's place. Suddenly, big white trucks started to show up parked on either side of the road. Flaunting their huge antennae dish on their roofs. The road ground was lined with cables and power lines. Around fifty trucks. Easily.

And there we were.

I never realized I would drive all the way this far just to see Neverland. I used to see this place in the news many years back. The most recent before Michael's death was when he abandoned it and stayed for a while in Dubai.

Many people, half from the news media were there. But eerily silent. No parties. Just there. Many took pictures of the main gate emblazoned with "Neverland", two large white rose wreath adorned each side of the gates. Michael's music played in the air, bringing others to tears.

Three young ladies drove all the way from Vancouver, Canada came and burst into tears upon arriving the Neverland. Journalists, photojournalists and news anchors are everywhere. All in the same spirit of mourning.

We left with a little note on a huge white board.

MJ Public Memorial Lottery

2009-07-04T13:19:00.001-07:00

MJ Public Memorial Lottery, originally uploaded by bobotsky.

It dawn on me. Many people all over the US, and not to mention the entire world, are wanting to witness and pay homage to the final rites of the king of Pop this coming tuesday, July 7th. Hundreds upon thousands of people registered and cross-fingered hoping they'll get the call for the priceless tickets. Some are even taking long-haul flights or long drive just to be there.

And here I am, a local resident of Los Angeles, living at the heart of downtown LA where I can easily tell if something's going on at the Staples Center at night for its bright search lights illuminates the sky, a stones throw away from where I live just by looking from my bedroom window and yet not daring to go?

Sound stupid don't you think?

Michael's music, particularly the young Michael's era, is close to me. I grew up listening to them all. So it's a big loss on my music part of life in a way when I heard of his passing. Deep inside I cried for him. For he was like many of us. He was just a regular little boy from the industrial side of town in Indiana where everybody has to work so hard to earn a decent dime. He didn't have a childhood because of all these. And so to hear him sing, belting and moaning and screeching his high pitch notes is just purely magical.

And then the magic died.

I could easily just watch the memorials in the comfort of my house with a good 42" flats but why? The least I could do is to go out there, walk even for miles and tens of downtown blocks and pay my respect to Michael, and the magic his voice taught me to love and appreciate good music.

So long, Michael. Peace.

Greed

2009-06-18T10:24:00.001-07:00

Greed will demand of you labor, danger, hardships, and troubles, and you will readily agree to its demands. And for what purpose? So you can have what will fill up your purse but empty out your peace of mind!.

- St. Augustine

J.S. Bach - Air in G (Suite no. 3 in D)

2009-06-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

First year college pa lang ako sa Mapua nung na-introduce ako sa sa pyesang ito. Actually, nakilala ko ito thru Action Singers ng UST. Lalaban ang UST-AS sa NAMCYA nung taong yon at napakaraming pyesa ang ilalaban nila to compete. At isa ang "Air" sa mga ilalaban. Hinatak ako ni John Catipon, isang kaibigan na member din ng AS. Kulang daw sila ng bass. Nung umattend na nga ako, binigyan kami ni Rolly ng tig-iisang pyesa at itinuro niya nga ang "Air".

Sumakit ang batok ko dahil napaka-komplikado ng areglo ng bass. Pero langit kung pakikinggan. Para kaming lumulutang literally sa pagkakaayos. Pero para makumbinsi kami ni Rolly kung papaanong effect talaga ang gusto niyang gawin namin,..sinalang niya ang tape at pinarinig sa 'min ang "air".

Awa ni phantom,..nanalo kami ng 2nd sa NAMCYA na ginanap sa CCP nung mga early 80s.

Hanggang sa matimbog ko sa youtube ang pyesang ito na tinira sa gitara ni Paulinho Nogueira.

At naiyak ako.

Cavatina

2009-06-05T11:38:00.000-07:00

Una kong narinig ito sa radyo sa isang classical radio station sa maynila noong 2nd year high school pa ako. Wala lang. Napagtripan ko lang na makinig ng kaka-iba. Medyo naririndi na ko sa mga alingawngaw ng mga radio stations sa tin nung mga panahong yon. Puro na lang ingay. Tamang-tama naman nang isang araw isang hapon, nagtatamad ako sa kwarto't nagsa-sound trip sa FM dial, at nasagi ko nga ang FM station na to. Nakalimutan ko na kung anong FM station yon. Basta, ang alam ko e yon lang ang kaisa-isang classical station sa maynila.

Hanggang sa sinalang nga ang pyesang ito.

Unang hirit pa lang ng tiklado, parang kinurot agad ang isang major artery ng puso ko. Lahat na yata ng nerves ko na related sa pang-dinig e nakatutok sa pagkaganda-gandang pyesang ito. Natimbwang ako! Parang ayokong matapos ito.

Nung natapos na, maingat kong pinakinggan ang sasabihin ng DJ. Sana kako, sabihin niya ang detalye ng kanta na to at baka kung suswertehin e mahanap ko sa Raon.

Amfota, sinabi nga!

Cavatina. By Stanley Myers.

Pero dahil sa labo ng reception,..hindi malinaw ang pagkakasabi o pagkakarinig ko.

So halos buong araw akong nakinig na umaasang sasabihin nila ang phone numbers nila kung sakaling mayroong gustong mag-request.

Awa ng diyos, sinabi nga ang number at agad kong tinawagan. Pinaliwanag ko yung pinatugtog nila. Kako, isang guitar piece na solo. Masaya ko finally.

Halos araw-araw, pinatutugtog nila ito. Pero di ko makita ang record o tape nito sa Raon, sa Syvels, Sa National bookstore, Avesco, at sa kung saan saan pa. E kung makikita niyo naman kung sino ang nakatayo sa likod eskaparate ng mga tindahan na 'to e maiintindihan niyo na talagang di nila malalaman kung ano ang hinahanap ko. Tipong pa-baduyan lang ang alam nila. Sorry po.

Nagkasya na lang akong i-tape ito sa cassette. Hanggang sa naluma't kinain ang tape.

Halos tatlumpung taon na yon.

Hanggang sa dumating ako sa amerika, isa ito sa mga hinanap ko sa record stores. As useless, gaya ng dati, walang may alam. Tipo pang grunge ang tindero sa Tower Records. Hanggang minsan, nanonood ako ng mga classic films sa tv. Robert De Niro. 70s. Deer Hunter. As usual, captured na naman ako. Ang galing ng lineup sa cast: Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep, Christopher Walken, etc.

At one point sa buong pelikula, tinugtog nga ang Cavatina. Anakngputa. Parang gusto kong ihagis ang TV ko sa kapitbahay sa tuwa! At nagkaroon na ako ng idea kung papaano ko mahahanap ang Cavatina. Sa SOUNDTRACK ng Deer Hunter!

Awa ni phantom, meron na akong kopya sa wakas.

At sa kagalingan ng youtube,... napanood ko pa kung sino si John Williams.

At nakumpleto na rin ang kalangitan.

My First Birthday

2009-04-10T22:01:00.001-07:00

P4103200, originally uploaded by bot2008.

Walang kamuwang-muwang.
hindi ko na rin matandaan ang nararamdaman ko noong araw na 'to. Malamang, may mga taong pilit akong pinangingiti dito kaya naman todo bigay ang ngiti ko dito. Malay ko ba kung anong okasyon 'to.

Parang ang sarap pag-tripan; hukayin sa kinasusuluk-sulukan ng aking pagkatao ang mga pakiramdam at ala-ala sa araw na ito. Ang isang sigurado ako ay ako lang ang anak ng mga magulang ko nang araw na ito. Simple lang ang buhay. Mahal na mahal ako ng aking ina at ama. Bata pa sila. Kumpleto pa kaming mag-anak.

Peor ngayon,... kami na lang ng aking mama. Matagal tagal na ring wala sa aming piling ang aking Papa. Yumao na siya noong '93.

darating ang panahon,... magiging kahawig na rin ng larawan na ito ang aking kaarawan. Nag-iisa.

My first year in the World

2009-04-07T23:50:00.001-07:00

P4073091, originally uploaded by bot2008.

Things have definitely changed.

And all the changes happen so fast that in a blink of an eye, you want to ask yourself What The FUCK happened?!?.

And so I hear again echoing in my mind that David Gates' song:

"... I would give everything I own,
To Give up my life, my heart,
my own.

I would give everything I own,
Just to Have YOU back again.
Just to touch YOU once again."

To my Mama and Papa,...

salamat.

Baptism

2009-04-07T12:53:00.000-07:00

I am (Complete Name)...

born on April __ ____ during the

feast of Angels...

and reborn by water and

the Holy Spirit on

May 12 1966 at

Sta. Teresita Parish in

Sta. Mesa Heights, QC.

Thank you for witnessing

my entry into the Christian

World through One Holy

Roman Catholic Church.

We have Two Regulatory Systems

2009-04-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

THE LEGAL SYSTEM

prevents us from killing each other

THE ETIQUETTE SYSTEM

prevents us from driving each other crazy

Hummingbird feed

2009-03-25T01:44:00.001-07:00

hummer, originally uploaded by bot2008.

Ok, that's the mother hummer - the very first customer of the feeder we purchased. We used our own mix of liquid: 4 parts water and 1 part white sugar. Stir it very well until all the grains dissolved.

The bird never failed to amuse us.

Bicycle Kitchen: the facade

2009-03-25T01:08:00.001-07:00

Bicycle Kitchen: the facade, originally uploaded by bot2008.

This is a good find. Especially if your into bike and still a bit green horn about it. If you own a bike and still have no clue on how to fix a flat tire; or anything about 'em,... just make a call to reserve a time and someone will assist/shadow you until you figure out how thing work between the tools and the thing that needed them. If you live in Los Angeles somewhere 90026 and surrounding vicinity,.. check 'em out!

www.bicyclekitchendotcom

btw,
that blue bike is my ride

flying to home land

2009-03-25T00:53:00.001-07:00

the complete cast of LAx, originally uploaded by bot2008.

This particular journey is quite memorable for Dyttas and her niece, Bea. Bea is the first child of Abet and Riza. She never rode a plane before. And this is her first time. Fortunately for Bea, she is flying with her aunt, tita Dyttas.

Bea is about to meet all her relatives from both sides of her Mom and Dad (Riza and Abet). She is excited, yet scared about the thought of flying (she's only 6 y/o). And Dyttas is flying home to attend a handful of very special occassions all from her family.

Bon Voyage!

Flickr

2009-03-25T00:29:00.001-07:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

Hummingbird Landing on its Nest

2009-03-20T23:03:00.000-07:00

The mother hummer finally came back to its nest after a short while of looking for something to eat (well in her case, it's 'sipping' the nectars). Actually the bird leaves the nest only when she's starving. Or when it gets disturbed by surroundings' activity, like going in and out of the house, opening and closing of the door. She's not accustomed to us just yet. She just mainly observe its environment. The mother hummingbird sits on its eggs calmly and patiently.

Hummingbird Nest

2009-03-20T21:28:00.000-07:00

I just discovered one precious little bird's nest settled right in front of the window of our house.

It's a hummingbird's nest.

And the nest is perched right at the wire of the Christmas light bulb. I thought this bird is so creative!

I don't know what kind or type of species of hummingbird is this but it sure is relaxing to watch as it tries to care for its eggs.

The nest is ingeniously made of materials abundant in our yard, such as mini twigs, barks, and some cottony material which I think can be found in the chimney of laundromats somewhere or outlet pipe for laundry dryers. It certainly looks and feel cozy to touch. Also, the hummer used a lot of these red "hairbrush" of the flowers of the tree.

I tried to keep my distance from the hummer as I carefully watched and took some pictures of the bird's activity. Pictured below is the nest clinging to the electrical wire of the Christmas lights. At the background is the front window of the house where I took most of the pictures and film it from.

Notice the Xmas light bulb sticking out at the lower portion of the nest, pictured below. That hummer is so smart it utilized the strength of the structure of the wire and its rigidness. I wasn't aware the bird was making her nest around the times when Los Angeles were getting a lot of rain last winter. Of course we spent most of our time inside the house during these season and obviously not aware that the little hummer was building its comfy abode right in front of the window! I cannot thank her enough for that for it amuses us so much just by observing her and the nest. It even took my interests and understanding about this little creature, and my wife and I gladly did!

shake that feather baby!

2009-03-04T21:49:00.001-08:00

Bird Shakes His Tailfeather @ Yahoo! Video

sleepwalker dog

2009-03-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

Bizkit, the Sleepwalking Dog @ Yahoo! Video

My brother's back home

2009-01-05T21:23:00.000-08:00

with Mama and Bobet

My brother just left a message in my voicemail telling me that they made it safe home from a long haul trip from Los Angeles to Manila. I felt good with the news. He is my youngest brother. I miss my bro.

The Good Life

2008-11-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

The good life @ Yahoo! Video">

Malapit na!!

2008-09-30T22:46:00.001-07:00

at wala pa rin akong pera.

heendaught

2008-09-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

heendaught.
isang bagong salita?
kung babagtasin mo sa inggles, it literally is 'he end aught'.
kung iisa-isahin mo ang ibig sabihin: he end anything at all.
'aught' by definition means: anything at all.

heendaught is a made-up word

which can also be anglicized filipino word for 'hindot'.

Ang 'Hindot' ay isang filipino slang;
o curse kapag nabibigla, nagugulat, nagagalit, o natural na dilang bastos.
Tulad ng: "Ay hindot!", "Hindot kang pu**** ama ka!", "Hindot ka rin!"

Kapag umuulan at biglang kumulog ng malakas;
minsan sa sobrang gulat mo'y bigla mo na lang masasabing: HINDOT!!

Na para sa akin, isa sa mga salitang nagagamit ko
kung bibigyan ng ibig sabihin ang buhay.

Parang ang buhay isang malaking kahindutan.

Pero para medyo malamig sa matang basahin,

e ini-heendaught ko na lang sa inggles.

Vigan, Ilocos Sur

2008-09-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

In Philippine architecture, this is commonly called as bahay-na-bato.

Decency

2007-10-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

...is a rarity nowadays.